Friday, September 25, 2015

A Tea Addicts Journal: Part Two

I would like to remind everyone that this is fiction.

Part Two-

The Depressed Mask

I hate myself.

It is a stunning and painful realization to come to.

It's not even a "I wish I could do this better". 

It is a "I believe the whole world would be better off if I vanished."

I look at my ceramic teapot and sigh.

It has had the same tea and leaves in it for a week.

There is probably mold to no end.

I gag and take it to the sink.


And it smells like death.

I dump the contents down the dispose-all and turn it on.

Then I dump in a lemon, quartered, to kill the ungodly stench.

Then I fill the teapot with hot water and bleach.

Luckily the teapot is already white.

My whole tea nook is horridly messy.

My water boiler is empty and on its side on the hardwood floor.

I had knocked it over after emptying it, and I didn't even have the motivation to put it upright.

I just wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

I didn't want tea.

I didn't want food.

I hadn't had a bath in 4 days.

Hadn't changed my night gown in 5.

I probably smell just as bad as that teapot had.

I walk to the bathroom.

I start running the water.

I climb into the tub, immediatly tucking my knees to my chin.

The water was as hot as it would go.

I secretly hoped that it would burn me and leave blisters.

Pain was good.

It meant I hadn't killed myself.

Maybe I should make some tea after my bath.

I turn off the water.

I scrub until my skin was red and looked like I had been trying to scrape my skin off.

I washed my hair three times with shampoo.

I even used my conditioner.

I looked in the mirror as I dried off.

All I could see were flaws.

All I could think was how ugly what I saw there was.

I put on a clean cotton nightgown.

I pick my water boiler up off the floor and fill it.

I plug it in, turn it on, and wait.

Maybe a kid movie will cheer me up.

Maybe that one with the blue alien that nobody likes and the little girl with no friends.

That one has a happy ending, right?

I put the dvd in the player.

I turn on the tv.

I push play.

The water's boiling.

I pour water into the gravity steeper.

I put a little puck of cheap-ish raw puerh into it.

It sank, like it always does, and I watched the little girl put a voodoo doll into a pickle jar with a bunch of forks and shake it.

I understand her motivations.

Many people have good intentions.

But lots of times they just make things worse.

"Go for a walk! The sunshine will be good for your mood."

How could I go for a walk when it is a struggle to just drag myself from my bed?

I cried a lot during the movie, especially when the little girl got captured by the big alien and it looked like the blue alien wasn't going to save her.

When the dvd stopped, I pulled one of the couch blankets up to my chin, and turned to face the back of the couch.

I don't think I ever drank that tea.

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